My Absence

So I've been gone a while. So what? Things to do, people to kill, you know how it is. Well.. You don't because you're not God. I am. Hah. I win. Fuckers.
The main reason I've not written about anything lately is because nothing has really pissed me off.

Until now.


And that something is....

Britney Spears.

What the FUCK is with her? It's not only her, but how people react to her, and other "celebrities".
She was once upon a time, a talentless bitch who looked good in tight clothes. Now she is a talentless bitch with no hair, a fat ass, and a kid I feel VERY sorry for.

I saw a commercial about her biography or some shit, with the announcer saying how she was probably the saddest and loneliest person on the planet, and nobody could comprehend her pain.
...
...
I'll let you ponder that for a minute.
..
.......
Minute's up.
The saddest and loneliest person on the planet, nobody can comprehend her pain.
She has a gigantic house, damn near unlimited money and everything she could ever dream about wanting. Don't worry about a 10 year old kid in Bangladesh, who is living alone, cause both of his parents died of AIDS. A rich white American celebrity has it WAY harder.
I bet she wakes up of a morning, and then spends the rest of the day trying to run a farm on his own, or begging in the streets. She wouldn't wake up at the crack of noon, then sit around all day, watching T.V. No way.

You might ask me "How do you know there is someone in that kid's situation.
Well... Let's just say I have it on very good authority.




....
..
Fine. I killed his parents.

I think I might make that bitch Britney get into a car accident which makes her lose her arms/legs/face and gives her cancer.

...Her child will be fostered by Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan, and will most likely ascend into my kingdom at the age of 15 to join me in killing inferior beings.

Inside Information on Myspace

As some of you know I have recently been doing some spy work on Myspace. I made an account and did all the faggoty things all those faggots do, to see if infact it was everything I thought it was. Turns out, it was everything and more. So much faggotry. So little intelligence.
After a little over a week I deleted my account, as the AIDS of Myspace is as deadly and infectious as the masterpiece I created to fuck up them niggers.

You

Yes... You.... Fuck you.



...Leave me alone, I felt I should write something, as I havn't for a while.

The V-Tech Shooter

I know I post some things that can be seen at tasteless or sick, but for the most part I'm just joking, but this has really got to me, and my heart goes out to the families affected.





















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THAT MAN IS A FUCKING LEGEND.
Cho Seuing-hui is currently sitting next to me, after replacing my former son, uhh.. What's his name.. Jeebus or something.
I have high hopes of letting this man replace me after I get tired of causing pain and destruction... Which may well be never, killing half a country with a flood or fire still gives me a chubby.
I know, most or you have two questions:
1) But this man killed innocent people and himself and he did technically believe in you, doesn't that mean he is going to hell?
Well, the answer to this is simple... Are you retarded.? Oh, silly me. Of course you are. If you hadn't realised I am an evil cunt too, there is no way I'm letting Satan have all the fun. Since he caused so much pain and destruction he gets to come to Heaven and chill with the big guy.
2) He is Asian. They don't have souls. How did you actually bring him to Heaven?
I was watching him kill all those kids... I may or may not have been jacking it at the time... When I saw him put the gun to his head, I quickly gave him one, so he could come and chill.

...Yep, now that he and I are working together in perfect destructive harmony, I see no peace for the human race for many a year to come... I might give him charge of global warming... Hah, this is going to be great.

The Mobile Phone Industry

I'm not talking about the manufacturing and distribution of mobile phones, I'm talking about the gay, pissy little ring tones, games, videos and the places you ring to get "hot" (ugly) and "horny" (bored and depressed) girls to sex you up.
"Jamster" a ringtone/video/feeding off retards company made well over $500 million last year. They use a system, where to get any of their "products" you need to pay $6.60 as a sign up fee, $6.60 per week until you cancel your subscription, which is also $6.60.
That is $343.20 a year.
Think about that.
People are paying that much money, for one or two dicky ringtones, that just make them look like a tool anyway.
It's like buying a new game console, then getting bored of it in a week and just letting it sit there while you play Tekken 3 and Crash Bandicoot on PS1.... Fuckin' Wii...

As for the sex lines, or the dating lines... Is anyone, anywhere that desperate.. To spend $3.50 per message, yes message, nobody is going to consent to a meeting with a guy who starts messaging them in the middle of the night, and who is quite obviously very sex deprived.. I mean... That's pretty fucking sad.
If you've ever even thought about using one of these outside of a joke, you should kill yourself.

I bet you're wondering, that is, if you're not too retarded to actually have conscious thought, "But God, if you hate these things so much, why don't you destroy them?"
Well, I'll tell you...
Because they make retards lose money. And that is a noble practice indeed.
"Then why don't you kill all the retards, Oh Mighty One?"
Honestly.. If I killed all the retards, there wouldn't be enough people left on the planet to form society.
I might just make it a sin to have an IQ under 90... So all the idiots get to spend eternity chilling (burning) in Hell.

Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom is a faggot.
Every decent movie he is in is totally ruined by his faggotry. Lord of the Rings was saved, cause it kicks ass, Kingdom of Heaven failed a little, Pirates of the Caribbean still kicked ass, cause Johnny Depp rocks the cazbar, Troy sucked dick, solely because Faggot was in it. Eric Banna is awesome, Brad Pitt is slightly less awesome, but still kicks a bit of ass. But both are canceled out by the gayness of Orlando Bloom.
He has played the same character in every movie of his I have ever seen... Which are all listed above. The honest, caring, heroic, swashbuckling tool.
Many awesome actors have played the same character all the time, like Owen Wilson (excluding Behind Enemy Lines), Bruce Willis and of course Jackie Chan. But they all play cool characters... So it's OK.

If you don't believe what I've said, (and you fucking well better, cause I'm God) I took this picture of Mr Orlando Bloom when he was at his house expressing himself, cause he is too weak to do it in public.

The Things I Like

My friends, yes, I have friends... Like Hitler, Pol Pot, Charlie Manson (I know what you're about to say, and you're an idiot for thinking it. I'm God. I can bring him to Heaven whenever the shit I want)
They're always asking me:
"God, you kick ass, and we love you and worship you, but what do you love and worship?"
Well... The answer is simple. Me.
I fucking rock.
It keeps me awake at nights, lying around thinking how damn awesome I really am.
You have to kick a whole lot of ass to think up shit like the boxing day tsunami, or the 1970 floods of Bangladesh.
Sure, any moron can shoot someone in the face, and I like it. Quick. Simple. Hilarious. It's a good technique, but if you want to bring as much pain and death onto as many people as you can, then fucking BAM! Natural disasters will fuck your shit right up.
Who do you think it was that gave Africa AIDS? That didn't happen "naturally."
I wandered around that continent for about 10 years, turning trees into floating swarms of pure AIDS... It was good fun... One of the better times of my infinite life.
Remember kids, if your parents die in a car crash, or your relatives all die in a fire/flood/hurricane/AIDS... It might not be funny for you, but it damn sure is for me, and that's what really counts... Me.

For My Sake...

Sorry to have another rant about Myspace (I'm not really) but I hate it so damn fucking much.
Today I heard the following:

"Hey, where are you going?"
"Myspace!"
"OK! I'll see you there"

..........
..
....

I almost killed them both. But I resisted, because I knew that they're going to become so engrossed in Myspace that they will die alone.
It's a good feeling knowing that. Makes me all warm inside.
Honestly... If you're going to dedicate all your free time making "Internet" friends, why not do something worth while... Like World of Warcraft... Or porn...
One day I'm going to take over Myspace with my mighty mightyness, and "unangle" the "angles" so everyone can see how ugly everyone else is, then I'm going to put a mandatory IQ test on the main page, before anyone can log in the test must be taken, the scores of this IQ test will be posted beside your now ugly picture.
The reasons for Myspace's existence will be gone and it, hopefully along with all of it's users, will die.

Prayer

Contrary to some's thinking, I do in fact, hear prayers, and again, contrary to some, and I want you to take this in.

I DON'T CARE

So stop fucking asking me for shit. I don't care about you, or your troubles.
You think I care about you when I have a universe to run? 1 little shitty world with a measly 6 billion humans. What about Planet Furb? It has over 300 billion giants. Yeah, that's real fucking easy to manage, considering it is a little smaller than Earth.
But I don't really blame you for thinking I care, I mean, I know you're all idiots and all. I blame the priests, they know I don't care, because when one becomes a priest I come in a vision and tell them I'm not real, and to leave me alone... I don't know how they don't get the message.
It's their fault for miss leading you with their lies... And pedophilia.

People who go to other people with their problems piss me off almost as much. I'm happily spying on someone, having a good time, then some 13 year old bitch who's boyfriend just dumped her comes running in and starts bitching and crying. You're 13 bitch. Get over it. It's even worse when adults can't handle their problems. Either get over it like a real person, bury it deep, deep down inside so people don't have to hear it, or kill yourself.
I prefer the latter option. If you can't think of a way to kill yourself, check this out.
And next time you want to have a cry, remember:

This picture is shamelessly stolen from Maddox, whos site can be found here.

T.V

I can't watch the news anymore.
It is so fucking depressing and stupid.
All the stories are "Man cuts off arm, mistaken for tree branch" or "Priest rapes and kills 12 children before cutting his arm off, mistaking it for a tree branch"
All the actual T.V shows are "reality" Yes. Because 15 people in a house, vying for popularity, bitching and being morons is reality. Well... Being morons is reality for most of you.
The line up for Fox 8 the other night was:
8:00: Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency (Heap of stupid, spoiled whores whining and bitching)
8:30: The Simple Life (2 stupid spoiled whores desperately clinging to their last shred of undeserved stardom)
9:00: Beauty and Geek (It really is the work of Satan, he told me about it on our last poker night)

I mean... What the fuck. I always thought you watch T.V to see crazy wacky shit that is totally impossible.
I don't want to see if the weird nerd can pick up with the freakishly hot cheerleader. I want to see if Michael Schofield can hunt down T-Bag and get his doe back, or if Superman can get shot in the colon with a nuke and laugh it off.
The only shows worth watching nowadays are either on once a week, or animated.
If you have ever enjoyed a single "reality" T.V show, then I am sending you to Hell, where you will have to sit 1 inch away from the screen of a giant T.V screen watching the same repeat of "The Simple Life" for all eternity.
Think about that. If I see a fleeting glimpse of Paris Hilton on the cover of a magazine I kill someone. Imagine an eternity of her semen covered, lazy eyed face.

Scene Kids

We all know scene kids. And we all hate them.

We go to a concert to have some fun and listen to some nice music.
Over in the corner is the little emo crowd, not really moving or talking, except the occasional fringe flick.
Up the front, jumping around, looking like fuckheads are the metal kids.
In the toilets, doing some drugs and wondering why their yellow mohawk isn't standing up anymore are the punk kids.
And there's me. In Heaven. Laughing my ass off.

If I may quote some lyrics from the Dead Kennedys song "Chickenshit Conformist" (And I may, because I'm God.)

"Music scenes ain't real life
They won't get rid of the bomb
Won't eliminate rape
Or bring down the banks"

Basically... Your music scene won't get you a job, or anything worth having in life.
You won't get to a job interview, and say "Yeh, I know I'm retarded and not qualified to do anything, but I have over 1000 scene points for the little scars on my wrist!"
Actually... You probably will... Idiots.

Music scenes are totally, completely, 100% worthless. Just like cripples... And black people.

If you think scene kids aren't hurting anything, I'll leave you with this:

Just look at that tool. People like him is the reason I kill people. If there get to be many more I'm just going to have to start again, but remove the part of the brain that induces idiocy.

Idiots Cont.

Now, while I appreciate the feed back I'm given

"indeed i lol'd. haha. this guy is a wtfcaek"

Is just not needed, another comment, from the same person of "I lo'd."
Sure, that's fine, he laughed out loud. I'm glad.
But when you get into the "this guy is a wtfcaek"s
...What in My name is a "wtfcaek?" It's such a worthless waste of effort to type.
Which brings me to my next rant:
Abbreviations that are not abbreviations, and worthless ones.
e.g.
howz - You are using the exact same number of letters, moving your finger further to hit "z" instead of "s" and it just makes you sounds stupid.
kool/kewl - Again, same amount of letters, but in this one, granted you don't have to move your fingers as far, but for micro-seconds of saved time you are making yourself look like a moron.
If I were to receive a message like "howz u doin dood" I would instantly send the person who sent to Hell, and for all eternity, they would only be spoken to as they talk in message.
Just think of that next to you try to save under .1 of a second by using "u" instead of "you" or "kewl" instead of "cool"
If you're going to comment, great, I like the feedback, but please, for the love of Me, use real words.

Idiots

I'm not talking about "retards" I made those on purpose. (We all need some entertainment)
I'm talking about the people who you talk to for about 5 minutes and then something clicks, something inside your head just says "Fuck this guy is stupid... I should share this information with them."
And so you do. You tell this idiot that he is indeed a moron. And do you know what his response is?
Either a laugh, a joke or an uncomprehending stare.
These people make you want to hit things. Spending time with them makes you just want to scream and hit them square in the balls and/or face. Especially when they don't realise they're stupid. Even after you tell them, in plain terms "You. Are. An. Idiot."
I've made it impossible for these tards to get into Heaven. Rapists, murderers, thieves, fucking sure, they're cool with me. But idiots...
No.
Fucking.
Way.
I send them to Hell, where they are tied to a large black woman, and told over and over how stupid they are, until their minute brains comprehend it... Then they're stabbed in the face for the rest of eternity.
So if you're one of the mentioned idiots, please, for the love of Me, go read a fucking book.

Myspace

I was spying on some teenage bitch who was at a school today.... What? Don't judge me fucker, I'm God.

Anyway, her name on myspace was "I hate life and me"

.......

I'll give you a few minutes to stop laughing, I know it took me about an hour.

Now, I'm not saying that everyone who uses myspace is shallow, retarded and overall deserving to die. Just most of them.

As I sat there and watched her file through her "friends" list, or as I call it, the "other idiots you will never actually meet" list, I saw the infamous "angles"...

We all know what the myspace angles are, and we all know that people who use them are just trying to make themselves look less ugly, hell, sometimes it even works, but mostly it just makes you look like the shallow tool that you are.

Now, back to the stupid bitch who hates life and herself.

Her background was all black, with a few spots of white, and down the bottom, it had the words "You don't know what it's like to be alone" in some faggot barbed wire writing.

Here's a news flash bitch: maybe they do know what it's like to be alone, and by "alone" they don't mean a spoilt member of a loving family in a nice house, they mean living in a piece of shit apartment because their parents fucked off when they were young and they've been living in an orphanage long enough to save up enough money to move out into the afformentioned piece of shit apartment.

People have it worse than you bitch. Kill yourself.

No, actually don't. We all like the amusment you give us, just stop your bitching.

Jesus

I've created many things. Countless things. Beautiful things. The thing I've regretted most, the thing that when I think about it I just want to kill when I remember how much I hate it, is Jesus.

He is my worst creation. (Including Oprah.)

I sent him to Earth to raise some Hell, and fuck you kids up. But no. He got all gay on me, and was all about peace and love. Damn I hated him.

That pussy came back to Heaven when you idiots finally killed him, (I liked your style by the way) with a big grin on his face, arms open for a hug.

I hit that fucker so hard he went flying back to Earth. Took him three whole days to work up the balls to come back and face me. When he did I gave my good friend Satan a call and they had a little chat.

Three hundred years later Jesus got back to Heaven. He was... A little different. Different in 3 respect.

1) He was no longer a pussy

2) He no longer wanted to hug me

3) He had no skin.

He asked me for another chance to do my bidding, but this time he'd plan, and get things right. And so I gave him another chance, it took him around 1500 years to plan too.

Most people remember his second attempt at gaining my love. His name was Adolf Hitler, and boy did he succeed! He killed so many people, I almost gave him Earth. But I thought it would make him into a pussy again, so I told Stalin the way to fuck him up.

He got back to Heaven, after killing himself and taking his bitch with him, which pleased me a little more, and got all pissy with me, asking why I didn't help him. I promptly called him a pussy and hit him in the face with a shovel, (made of lightening).

I told him he was 1 for 2, and had 1 more chance to earn my love.

About 70 years later he went back to Earth, as a man named Osama Bin Laden.

Fucked those Americans up good hard, and is still surviving and well.

And there is the history of Jesus Christ. Who has earned my love.

The Creation of Earth

You stupid shit head Christians claimed I made the world in 6 days, then rested on the 7th.

I'm fucking God you idiots. I made Earth with a click on my fucking mighty fingers, then went on the create the rest of the universe in the next 7 days. I could've done it all in a second, but I'm a lazy bastard and kept stopping to play WoW. Yeh... It got me too.You idiots also think I made Adam and Eve too...

.........

Fuck... If I were to make 2 people, I'd at least give them names that didn't make me want to hit things. You realise that if this was true, then you'd all be very closely related, and the entire world would be 100% incest, not just Tasmania.

All you faggots evolved from monkeys. Hairy, sweaty, dirty, grotty monkeys.

(You may have noticed that wogs are still a step down the evolution scale.)

The Boxing day Tsunami

As some of you know, a few years ago there was a Tsunami in South and South East Asia, that killed a whole lot of people.

Some of you believe this was caused by an underwater earthquake. The people who believe that are fucking stupid, why would you think that it was caused by an EARTHQUAKE! It's completely illogical, has no evidence behind it and is all round stupid.

The truth behind the matter was that those damn gooks were pissing me off, so I decided to kill a few of them off using a magical lightning bolt that I send from Heaven, to hit in the middle of the Ocean.

If you don't agree with my methods of trying to keep the world's population to a managable level, you can get fucked, because I'm God and you're not.